Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Strangely enough, when I'm in this mental state, I love to bake. I can maintain a sort of mental separation between the ingredients and myself (though I do admit I have licked my sugar & butter-covered-fingers on more than one occasion!). I think this just emphasises the fact that I don't bake for the finished product, I bake because I love the action of baking, and of course I love sharing the spoils with my colleagues/TKD buddies. Thankfully I have enough of them that I can't be accused of trying to fatten anyone up!
I think I'm going to bake Banana Bread tonight... It's a sweet loaf cake, made with bananas and walnuts. If I'm not already in the Zone, then hopefully this will push me in to it.
Does anybody else notice stark contrasts in their behaviour when they're training hard/restricting food? Or experience that zen-like state I'm referring to?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The difference seems to be that when I was trying to lose weight for TKD, I felt I had a legitimate reason, one that was not based in a shallow desire to fit into a smaller size of clothing (that was just an unbelievable bonus!). So I felt I was given permission, in social situations, to decline all forms of treat food, acting as though excess calories were kryptonite to my system. None of my friends had a problem with my lunacy of 3 small meals and up to 3 training sessions a day. Even my starvation periods pre-competition were either accepted or went unnoticed as I cut back to close to between 100-500 cals a day to lose last-minute water weight. All of this was allowed because I was an athlete and this had to be done to make weight.
I was an athlete. One who would be nearly fainting as she got on to the weighing scales. One who would be barely able to finish a couple of rounds in the ring and would need hours/days of recovery time before eating or feeling normal. An athlete, a sparrer, who was lean and fit, but mentally unprepared for the fight.
Now I eat normally. I have learned from my mistakes of the past. I know now that in order to train hard and be strong I need to give my body fuel. Over the summer I ate more than normally. I took a break. I gained more holiday weight than I'd intended. I want to lose it. Without resorting to my old "tricks of the trade", I want to go on a proper, healthy, diet. But I can't say that. I can't go on a diet just because I want to be skinnier, it's just not allowed. I could lie and say that I have a competition coming up that I need to prepare for, but I'm too honest for that. Even if I could keep a straight face, my blushing cheeks would give me away. So I give in to the perceived social pressure and I eat normally, and then I feel guilty because I know I shouldn't be eating so much.
I know how to lose weight, I've done it so many times I could nearly write a book on it. In fact, I have written lengthy notes and diet/training plans for other competitors. So how do I give myself permission to diet, ignoring public perception, without slipping back into extreme mistakes of the past?
Monday, December 1, 2008
I started my gift shopping over the weekend, and this morning I am compiling and printing a selection of photographs of the family to send to my sister, niece and nephew in Dubai. There is nothing like the joy of giving, particularly a very personal gift, to outshine every other potential ounce of negativity in my life!
So even though I know it was a bit early to be playing Christmas songs, I stuck on a collection of the old classics, with Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, the Beverly Sisters, and now I've got them all running through my head, like an internal soundtrack! I love Christmas!!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Oh and yes, I am sucking my tummy in for the first pic, I've unwittingly let the pudge hang out for the second! Like I said earlier though, I still felt pretty, even though I was fairly self-conscious for the day!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
- Start using the gym at work again - varying between my personal TKD training, cardio and strength training.
- Start running on the weekends (when it's actually daylight rather than the darkness at 7am nowadays!)
- Drink 2 litres of water a day - I can do this!
- Try and limit my treats to once a day so that I really appreciate them rather than using them as a food source.
- Learn my II Dan patterns. (It's a TKD thing!)
- Lose at least 5lbs before Christmas, if not more to allow for seasonal excesses.
- Run 5 miles comfortably in under 40mins, ie. not in a race setting, just at a conversational pace.
Gotta go, but will definitely be adding to these later.
Ok, I think perhaps some of these are resolutions rather than goals, but if I can implement them then they'll help me on my path to my goals. Perhaps a new post is required... yay, I love posting! :o)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
As I opened up my heart and soul to my room-mate over in Italy, the last thing I expected to hear was her not only understanding, but sharing similar experiences with me. Feeling de-motivated, feeling lost and out of place, feeling 'fat', ugly, stupid etc. Apparently these are normal feelings! I almost laughed at the notion that I've spent my adolescent/adult life trying to pretend to be perfect, trying to disguise any shortcomings, and then learning that a lot of other people are doing the same thing! Who was I trying to kid?! Life is not perfect. My life isn't anyway. My life is a great big mess. I could try and sweep all that under a proverbial carpet, or I could accept it for the way it is, and embrace its normalcy.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I collected my baby sister from the train station earlier (she's 18, but still a baby to me!), and listened to her gleeful description of how her healthy diet in the build up to this competition has eliminated the hint of cellulite that she'd found on her thighs... I managed to restrain myself from kicking her out of the car on the motorway...
Honestly though, I'm ok with my chub. Well for now at least. I know no one can see it. It's like my own little private joke or something. It's a sick and twisted joke but I always did have a strange sense of humour!
You guys have been great for support through this seemingly overwhelmingly depressing time, but hopefully I'll soon get past all this whingeing about my body, and get on to complaining about something else!
Ciao for now!
Monday, October 13, 2008
I sat down yesterday and took stock of all the improvements I have made on my life in the last few years, and they are plentiful. Never before have I had the combination of a Good Job, Nice Home & a New Car, all at once. I don't remember a time when I didn't worry about my weight, even at my lightest I was never happy with my thighs or my cheeks with their genetic pre-disposition to hold fat cells. But even now with all of these other wonderful things happening in my life, they are all overshadowed by that hint of a double chin.
Friday, October 10, 2008
But there's more to it that just my nutritional preferences, it feels like the morning is a time I'm supposed to be hungry and I'm allowed to eat. After years of starvation & crash diets my signals are so screwed up that I can't tell what my body needs most of the time. But mornings are clear: I haven't eaten since last night so that feeling is hunger. I should eat now.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Today really has been a good day all round. My contract was renewed at work for 2 more years, with a raise (it's small but good in light of the recent economic downturn), and after a crazy busy afternoon my supervisor sent an email to our team telling everyone how much I'd helped her out. It was one of those warm-glow days where you really feel appreciated, and I wanted to share that with you all. :o)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I'm glad I'm checking back in now, even though I'm still stiff and sore, at least I'm doing something, and I feel a bit more like myself again.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I am definitely a lot more cheered up since this morning, but worried now that this temporary disability is going to play havoc with my workout/diet regime. I was doing so well, but I'm very much aware of how my willpower dissipates the instant I hit a hurdle like this. It doesn't help that everyone assures me that I'm "tiny" and that I "don't need to lose any weight", and insist on feeding me up. I appreciate their concern and I know that a lot of that is to do with my unintentionally causing them to feel uncomfortable with their own weight, but this actually about Me! Not them! I am not comfortable in my body, and I want to be lean. I train so hard, and I just want a body that reflects that. I just wish I could do this in a healthy way. I always put it off until too close to a TKD competition and then it's extreme weight loss methods, excessive exercise and absolutely NO junk food until after the event... then the post-deprivation binge starts the cycle all over again. I just want to eat normally. I just want to train hard and see, as well as feel, the effects.
Oh yeah, I know this is all probably a good lesson in patience and accepting the little hurdles that life throws in our paths and about not letting them get to me... But right now I'm just pi**ed off and feel like hitting something!!