I didn't originally intend to use this picture, but it seems poetic somehow, a chocolate brownie shaped like a heart: I heart food. I love food, but should food be a form of love?
As soon as I hit any kind of emotional incident, be it a high or a low, my appetite drastically changes. It's not always consistent either, it rarely makes sense, and is for the most part uncontrollable. Like extreme nerves on the day of a competition means that food is the last thing on my mind and I have to force a form of starch into my body for fuel for the day! Or bouts of giddy happiness which drive all thought of food away, and I am satisfied by the warm glow alone!
I find that even the negative events can cause me to be paralysed from eating, like when I'm terrified I've made a big mistake at work, I break out into a cold sweat and food is far from my mind! Strangely enough it's the days when I'm happy with my body that I'll snack a bit more (justified by my slim image in the mirror!) AND "fat days" where my clothes are tight and I feel like the marshmallow man! It makes no sense to me but when I feel fat, I feel compelled to eat!
I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I feel lonely or deprived in some way. My day seems to revolve around what I am or am not eating! Whether it's guilt for excesses or pride for depriving myself, every day's nutrition has some form of emotion linked to it.
Clearly I am not eating for physical needs, I seem to exist solely on an emotional appetite. I am not saying this for sympathy or even to complain, it's simply an observation.
Can I fix this? Can I re-train myself to see food as fuel and not as comfort? Is the solution to eat what I want or to monitor every calorie I consume?