Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Every physical activity I do is a struggle for me. I can disguise that with strength and enthusiasm, but I lack the ease and grace of a "natural" athlete. It doesn't help that my little 18yr old sister also does the same sport as me, and I guess starting at 9yrs instead of 16yrs as I did, gives you a major advantage.
I'm struggling so much with my body shape and image at the moment. I broke down and cried, no actually I sobbed, on the phone to my Mum last night, trying to make sense of the disproportionate amount of suffering a few extra pounds can cause. It doesn't seem fair. I have friends in TKD that see that I have put on a few pounds but they also see weight-gain/loss as I used to see it: a purely physical process, you eat less and train more and the numbers go down. I have friends at work that see me as already being quite slim and try to reassure me that I don't need to lose weight, or that it's natural to gain some in your mid-20s.
Neither of these approaches are helping me. I need to hear about the messy middle. I need someone who understands that the reason I gained this weight, and the reason I am struggling to lose it is that it is not purely a physical process. There is some major emotional crap going on with me at the moment that I am clearly not dealing with too well. I need someone that understands that I need help. Not sympathy or reassurance. Just help.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This week of Perfection is still going really well for me, although I admit I got hit with a couple of sugar pangs last night, and then I felt immensely hungry after that yoga class this morning and took ages to satisfy my ravenous appetite, but I'm calm again now. My de-cluttering is going well, along with my training and nutrition. We did lots of punching and kicking drills in TKD last night, perfect for letting go of unwanted aggression and frustration! My weight was down again today ( I know I shouldn't be weighing myself daily, it's just nice to see the numbers going down for once!!)
Ok, off to cook myself a super-healthy dinner and then I'll think about the potential activities for this evening....
Hope you're all having a great weekend!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am sitting up with my laptop when I really should be asleep but I just had to share this feeling. It's lovely! :o)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
To put it succinctly, the purpose of the statement is;
In light of the development of modern society all things electronic are the way of the future. How the law relates to infractions of this nature will certainly challenge those who endeavour to apply and enforce it. Crimes such as illegal downloads, fraudulent online transactions and identity theft cross international borders creating numerous questions and legal quandaries at a time when technology is evolving faster than the legislature can be written.
In undertaking this Masters' Degree I hope to answer some of these questions and gain a greater insight into the legalities of all interactions and transactions of an electronic nature. I believe that the study of e-Law would be of considerable personal interest particularly due to the wide relevance it has on everyday life. Even in my current role within the aviation industry the issues of data protection and privacy are matters of utmost regard, as increasing amounts of information are stored online or in the easily portable form of a laptop computer.
Based upon its progressive approach to the use of online materials and the creation of the Cork Online Law Review and IRLII, as well as a time-honoured tradition for legal education, I believe that UCC would provide the best forum for the provision of this qualification. Bearing in mind my undergraduate experience at this university I have no doubt that the course ahead of me will both challenge and motivate me towards academic success.
I would hope that this qualification would open doors for me to work within this newly-formed and developing area of the law. I believe the diverse nature of this postgraduate degree programme would allow for me to explore these aspects of the law with regards to my goal of career advancement. Whether further professional qualifications would be require I have not yet decided, but it is something I would be open to partaking provided the career at the end was as progressive as the course I would have studied."
Constructive criticism would be much appreciated.
*Thanks to Charlotte's comments, I've already edited this slightly.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
It's not a long route, at 3.5 miles it's just enough to challenge me yet still allow for achieving a respectable time. It's also not necessarily a picturesque route, seeing as it simply follows the road up and down a few hills. But I like it. It gives me manageable targets - I'll just go as far as that next little hill.... or that big tree... It feels less intimidating that way. Especially since I don't feel like a runner. I still feel like a newbie. I think I always will. (That probably says more about me and my sense of self than I could even hope to articulate!)
As I huffed and puffed along my run, with Britney blaring in my ears, I drifted off into fantasy land, as is my routine when I am engaged in a montonous form of cardio. Up until last summer, I would have envisaged glory of a Taekwon-Do nature, imagining finals of major tournaments and thinking of tactics I would use to overcome my opponents. For the last 6 months however, in my unsettled state of mind and reticence to train in TKD, I had been using other forms of mental motivation. First it was images of the 7km race, trying to picture the route and the finish line, with the target finish time on my HRM. Then I was using Perfect Body imagery, trying to imagine a Leaner Me as the goal. It wasn't a very successful form of distraction.
Today, I found myself initially picturing a Fitter, More-Toned Self, but this quickly morphed into another Taekwon-Do scene, where I was weighing in for a competition, but in a healthy (albeit far more muscular) state! Then I was imagining preparing for the ring, facing a familiar opponent, working through my footwork and tactics. Using the uphill sections of the route to trigger feelings of fatigue and tired legs, I pushed myself through the psychological barriers, and challenged myself to beat my 'opponent', and my time. It worked. I felt the thrill of adrenaline coursing through my veins, my legs becoming lighter and my pace increasing as I mentally fought to claim the Gold. It felt good to be back.
The obstacles I have faced over the last 6 months have been entirely self-created. The weight problems, the loss of a sense of self, the feelings of detachment and displacement were all under my control. And yet no amount of telling me that would have helped. This was a process I needed to endure. And survive. It saddens me to think that I felt so lost and yet I knew the way all along.
This blog, and those of you who read/comment on it, have helped me to understand the mental turmoil that I have subjected myself to. Thanks for listening.
Here's to a better and brighter 2009!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I just walked out.
I did something that the Old Me would have done. Except it didn't feel like 'Old Me', I just felt like 'Me'. Normal.
Or as normal as I can be anyway!
I raced home (within legal speed limits of course *ahem*), got my gear, and arrived at class just in time to shock everyone with my appearance. Ok, I hadn't been at the Friday night session since October, so their surprise was understandable! But it felt totally 'normal' for me.
I trained hard, my heart pounding and faint feelings of nausea, and it all felt so familiar. As I worked through the standard kicking drills, and performed the technical movements, I felt so comfortable yet I simultaneously felt odd. Almost felt chills down my spine. As I thought back over the last 6 months, how I've felt so unlike my usual self, and wondered, if this all feels ok now, then where the hell have I been?? How did this happen?
More, importantly, how do I stay this way, and stop it happening again?
I don't have the answers. But, and apologies for sounding corny;
I have hope. And for now, that's good enough.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I have a problem.
It's not going to fix itself. I feel like an addict that's been trying to wean myself off a harmful substance. It's not working. I need to go cold turkey. I can have a little bit of willpower, or flexible rules, or treats every now and then. Because "now and then" becomes Now. And Then More.
I used to smugly smirk to myself when people would complain about weight loss being "SOooo hard". Clearly, I thought, they just don't have my strength and willpower. I was so sure of myself. I never thought I'd become just like every other woman complaining about their figure. I thought I was different. So confident in my ability to avoid all temptations and train multiple times a day, I never saw the possiblity that my willpower could be finite.
Even over the last 6 months, as I've seen my curves develop, and hips expand, I was still sure that at some point, I'd reach a point where my willpower would kick back in of its own accord and I'd find myself rejecting sugary treats and choosing to wake an hour early to fit in some cardio. It's not going to happen though. Not by itself.
But my life has changed since I stopped the restrictions. I've gained a social circle and regular dates with friends, usually revolving around food in some way, shape or form. The Old Me would have avoided all of this. Would have preferred to go training rather than subject herself to unnecessary temptation. The workplace is a minefield of boxes of chocolates, home-baking and vending machines. Old Me would have easily said No, and felt ostracised for following the courage of her convictions. New Me likes fitting in. Likes doing the same things as the other girls. Likes missing training to have tea and biscuits with a girl friend. Likes missing training to meet an old school-friend for dinner. Likes having a semblance of Being Normal.
Can I balance the two? Or do I have to choose between the paths of a
* versus *
Something has to give.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It was intended to be a weekend at home with my Mum and sisters, a chance for me to reflect over my recent revelations, and an opportunity to let thoughts settle before I approached the application process for this Masters' degree. Instead it resulted in an open discussion with contributions from all the members of my family, of how they are all experiencing various forms of inconvenience, and general unhappiness, with their current living situation. And now, in light of that, how they're all going to change it. I felt honoured.
It was heart-warming to simply be there and experience such honest communication from my mother and sisters, especially as I was truly happy for them. They were just so appreciative of my help and support, I was actually in danger of becoming sickeningly-saint-like! I genuinely felt so full of love and consideration for each of their predicaments that I wanted to help them work through it all. Of course it's easier to be happy for people when you are already in a good place, and right now, I'm in a good place. So I'm sending out waves of it wherever I can.
Hope you feel some of the ripples too.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Well it's been many (many) months since I attended this Aerobics class, and even more months since Towelie and I sweated it out in the same place, so I am really looking forward to tonight! Training with a buddy makes it so much more fun than going it alone, and I've been so jealous of Charlotte and all her gym-buddy stories that it feels really nice to have plans to meet mine tonight, even if it is just for One Night Only!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Ah... it's nice to be back.... :o)