Thursday, February 5, 2009

Art Imitating Life

Today's Dilbert was quite poignant:

Though I didn't go so far as to lose my head, yesterday was very tough and I definitely felt frustration that would have induced self-harming. In my case that means excessive sugar/calories and thankfully I kept my 'explosion' to a minimal dose of one Cappuccino with a sachet of white sugar, which just left me a little bit wired for the afternoon.

It saddens me that my response to feeling trapped in a frustrating situation is to lash out at myself. I had no real need for caffeine or sugar, I was simply acting out and the only recipient of that anger was myself. This is such a familiar theme, whether it's choosing to skip training or eat excessively calorific foods, sometimes I can feel the self-harming rage underlying it.

In line with Charlotte's February Experiment I tried to meditate last night, to help settle all these feelings of tension and frustration. To try and just be still. It's far more difficult than I'd remembered from my last attempts. Either that or I still had residual caffeine traces sending my imagination into overdrive! I just couldn't relax, my mind was racing, from recounting my day to planning holidays, from thoughts of ex-boyfriends to potential future ex-boyfriends! More than anything I just felt frustrated with myself.
More meditation is definitely needed. I think it can only benefit me, if even just to allow myself some Me Time.

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