Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Complete Tangent

On a completely different note from all my previous topics this is a seriously girly post. (I'm warning you now in case you thought that 'tangent' meant that just once I might write something funny!) This is a post about.... wait for it..... feelings.... Yes. That's right. Not the 'Oh I really don't feel like training today' kind, or the 'I feel so fat today' kind. Just girly, emotional, soppy, uncontrollable feelings...

I would consider myself to be quite a tough chick. Well I've been training in a martial art for over 10 years, so I would hope that the conditioning would have taken some effect by now! In my club, I'm one of the boys. I'm used to being punched, kicked and verbally abused, and I give as good as I get.

I spend so much time with men in this platonic setting that when it comes to the romantic side, I feel like I totally know my way around. I'm confident being a single woman. In fact after 7 years with the same guy I have cherished my single status for the last 3 years. Although I recently removed it from my Facebook page as the smell of success it initially emitted was starting to reek of desperation...

I've dated a few times of course, but nothing serious. There seems to always be a couple of potential suitors, but none able to maintain my attention for more than a few consecutive weeks. I like being unattached. I like my freedom. It's almost become a running joke between myself and the TKD boys that I'm at the stage where I could break up with a guy before he even asks me on a date!

So, armed with all of this bravado and self-confidence when it comes to the male species, I pitied my girl friends with their man troubles. I couldn't understand why they would go completely nuts as soon as they started dating someone, obsessing over when they would contact them and what they would say, analysing and over-analysing to the point of absurdity. I kept trying to assure them that such behaviour was merely a form of self-torture, just leave the boys alone and they'll come to you!

And so, just like my pride over my easily maintained slim figure, it came to a huge fall...

Because last year, I met someone I liked. I reeeally liked.

I knew he was wrong for me. I knew we were totally wrong for each other. But I wanted him. Baaaaad. I tried to do all the same cool things I'd done in the past that had worked so well. But I couldn't. I lost control of my senses. I wanted to be in contact with him every minute of the day. I wanted to know what he was doing, who he was with, and why he wasn't doing those things with me. It didn't help that we worked together and had the opportunity to stay in contact all day long if we so wished. If HE so wished. He kept pulling away, and I was naturally drawn more and more to him.

It only lasted 4 short weeks, but when I ended it I felt like I'd just gone from heaven to hell and was now stuck in a form of purgatory. I had the moral high-ground, I had walked away from an negative one-sided relationship. I had done the right thing. So why did I still crave him so badly.... It was like he was a big slice of gooey home-made chocolate fudge cake (with freshly whipped cream on the side), I just wanted one more bite...

That was 7 months ago. He's now dating someone else. I've dated other people. And I still know he's wrong for me. But I still have flickers of those cravings. All it takes is for me to smell his aftershave, or catch his eye at work, and my stomach goes wobbly. This defies all logic. Mentally, logically, rationally, I'm over him. I know it's not Him I want. But what do I do with the feelings?

3 comments:

Sagan said...

Aw man, that's tough. (you're brave to write about your feelings!)

I also really like having my freedom after being in a couple serious relationships. And to be honest, even though its been a little over a year since I got my heart broken, I still sometimes get those cravings.

I wish I could offer some advice. All I've got is hugs.

Shivers said...

Sagan, ooh I didn't that I was being brave, maybe I should re-think that post! :)

Thanks for sharing that with me, and the hugs too, sometimes that's much better than advice! :)

Charlotte said...

Oh girl! I can totally relate on both counts: a)being smug about being thin and then gaining weight (ARGHHHH!) and b) craving the Wrong Man. Except it took me 4 months of nonsense to make the smart choice you did. Don't second-guess yourself. You absolutely did the right thing!