Thursday, March 26, 2009

My Messy Middle

I just read Charlotte's post today about Survival of the Weakest. As usual it was a great post, but today this was actually beautifully timed for me. I have to quote this:"I'd much rather hear about those who struggle and fight and earn every inch of what they've got."

Nothing ever comes easy to me (except the speed-reading, coincidence?), so I have no interest in reading about people with all this natural talent. Show me the ugly duckling and the process she endured to become that swan. I read Kelly Holmes' (double Olympic gold-medallist athlete) autobiography and was totally disappointed - she ran, she ran fast, she trained hard, she won. *sigh* What on earth can I learn from that?

Every physical activity I do is a struggle for me. I can disguise that with strength and enthusiasm, but I lack the ease and grace of a "natural" athlete. It doesn't help that my little 18yr old sister also does the same sport as me, and I guess starting at 9yrs instead of 16yrs as I did, gives you a major advantage.

I'm struggling so much with my body shape and image at the moment. I broke down and cried, no actually I sobbed, on the phone to my Mum last night, trying to make sense of the disproportionate amount of suffering a few extra pounds can cause. It doesn't seem fair. I have friends in TKD that see that I have put on a few pounds but they also see weight-gain/loss as I used to see it: a purely physical process, you eat less and train more and the numbers go down. I have friends at work that see me as already being quite slim and try to reassure me that I don't need to lose weight, or that it's natural to gain some in your mid-20s.

Neither of these approaches are helping me. I need to hear about the messy middle. I need someone who understands that the reason I gained this weight, and the reason I am struggling to lose it is that it is not purely a physical process. There is some major emotional crap going on with me at the moment that I am clearly not dealing with too well. I need someone that understands that I need help. Not sympathy or reassurance. Just help.


Anonymous said...

WOW - this totally spoke to me as I'm struggling with the same thing. Isn't it crazy that a few pounds can make us question (repeatedly, incessantly) our own worth? Why does it matter so much? It's killing me inside. I will think of you during this time, will you think of me too? We are better than this! It's just so hard for me to remember that!

Trish said...

I'm so sorry you are struggling. Hugs to you.

Charlotte said...

GREAT response! I feel exactly the same way. First, you are so right in how miserable a few stupid pounds can make a girl. For me, it's because those few pounds (inconsequential to most people) symbolize so much more to me. Not to mention that I *can* feel the difference in my workouts. Oh, sister, I cry those same tears:) Second, I wish I had some great advice for you but I'm obviously still in the messy middle myself. At least we've got each other?

PS> I've missed you! Don't go away for so long next time;)

Shivers said...

Anon- I will definitely be thinking of you, though it saddens me to know that other people feel this pain! It feels so silly that something so small and insignificant to other people can be pure torture for me/us. I know that my friends and teammates mean well with their reassurances, and that a lot can be learned from both sides. But I don't want to accept this weight, and I know how I should approach losing it, so why can't I just do that?! We are better than this, even if it is impossible to accept that sometimes.

Trish - Thanks for the hugs! :) I don't like letting people know when I'm struggling. Normally I only tell people after I'm over the worst, then they won't worry, but right now I feel so full of emotion that I can't hide it.

Charlotte - We certainly do have each other! I just wish I had some answers too. I can't believe I used to be so smug, guess that whole pride/fall thing is true!

I'm sorry I've been absent for a while, I've been reading though, even if I've been quiet on the blogging/commenting front! Wouldn't miss my daily fix of Charlotte-ness! :)

Sagan said...

Big hugs. If you need someone to talk to, send me an email, okay? (I wanted to email you- but couldn't find any contact info on your site)

Thank goodness for blogging to let these things out. And I think you're absolutely right, it's the struggles an the messy parts that really help us to learn.