I used to train every night of the week, and not accept any excuses. In fact, if I didn't feel like going then I would be spurred on to make myself go, because I cleverly recognised that disinterest as being a downhill spiral. A few months, and a genuine reason for not training later, and now I don't know the difference between disinterest and genuine fatigue. I have allowed myself nights off that I probably shouldn't, and I don't know how to go back to being such a hard-ass on myself! I'm being too nice!! :o)
I'm sure that this is a good thing in some ways; I'm allowing back injuries to heal, I'm getting more time with friends and family & I'm not feeling so trapped in my training. Well I thought I was feeling more motivated... Last night, after an hour of Pilates, I was so tempted to go home, but I went to TKD, not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I knew I should. I'm trying to normalise my routine, and this is what I used to do. But I had no inclination to be there. My disinterest, and just plain boredom, was written all over my face. I think I actually sapped the other guys of their own energy!
I know I used to enjoy the classes; the challenge of kicking, continuously trying to improve upon flexibility and strength. I loved my position as a black belt, at the top of the class, leading by example. Before I graded for my II Dan in June I was training 10 times a week. No exaggeration or boasting. Just fact. I did 30-45 mins of practice in the morning at the gym at work, and then my normal 60-90 mins classes in the evening, on top of 4 hours of teaching during the week. I was also part of a Tag Rugby team at work, we had regular training sessions and matches, that I had initially intended to attend all of them but had to focus on TKD more with the grading coming up and only made 80% of them (Only!).
I knew I had a goal, a respectable yet achievable one, of grading to the next level of black belt. My weight didn't matter for this so I ate normally enough, but I was enjoying the training. I was very focused. Very driven. I think it's safe to say that I burnt myself out. I'm even getting tired now just thinking about how much I used to train! But that's not to say that my current lethargic state is an improvement, I think it's just the result of that over-exercising.
I felt that my motivation was lacking last night as I trained in the class. I can't kick as well as I'd like to, and I felt disheartened by that. I've been doing TKD for nearly 10 years, and though I've brought home a lot of dust-gathering silverware, I haven't actually won anything of note. I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I know my levels of acceptable achievement are probably higher than a lot of my fellow students. I know that I took 2 silvers at the recent competition, without even preparing for it, and lost only narrowly to people that I've beaten in the past. But it doesn't seem to be enough.
My attempts to "normalise" aren't working. I'm getting frustrated because I'm looking to the past and want to turn back the clock. That's not the way to deal with this. I need a new normal, I need a new goal.
I've been reading Chris's blog updates on how his wife is preparing for a Fitness competition. As distinct from Bodybuilding competition it's more about feminine lean-ness, or so I understand so far. I've seen footage of Bodyfitness events before as well, ones with gymnastics and high kicks etc. I've never told anyone this but I think I'd love to do something like that... I've always been muscular (too muscular according to my friends!), and I love dancing... I'm not saying that this is my new goal!! First of all I don't think we even have anything like this in Ireland! This is just a fantasy...