Monday, October 13, 2008

The Bigger Picture

I saw a photograph of myself yesterday that horrified me; I was refereeing at a TKD competition and was dressed in the appropriate attire of a black suit, shirt, tie & a pair of adidas TKD shoes, my hair was done nicely, and my make up was flattering, but all I could see was the shadow of a double chin!! I know I gain weight on my face first, and even at my skinniest I still had rosy cheeks that contrasted sharply with my protruding ribs and concave stomach, so I was dreading seeing this photograph. Just as I am dreading seeing the 100s & 1000s of photos that will be taken at the World Cup.

I fly out on Wednesday to Lake Garda in Northern Italy, to spend 5 days watching my fellow athletes compete, whilst I try to avoid comparing myself to them, or feeling their judgement for my recent weight gain. I am contemplating leaving the swimsuit at home, for fear I'd be forced to wear it over there and show people what I'll be hiding under a tracksuit for the duration of the competition. I'm even worrying about the after party, and how to hide my chub and still look reasonably well-dressed. I have only gained about 5lbs and it has taken over my life.

I sat down yesterday and took stock of all the improvements I have made on my life in the last few years, and they are plentiful. Never before have I had the combination of a Good Job, Nice Home & a New Car, all at once. I don't remember a time when I didn't worry about my weight, even at my lightest I was never happy with my thighs or my cheeks with their genetic pre-disposition to hold fat cells. But even now with all of these other wonderful things happening in my life, they are all overshadowed by that hint of a double chin.


Tricia said...

I know how you feel.There's always something that I obsess about too. Right now, it's my arms and their lack of any definition.

And 5 pounds? Really not something to stress about.

tokaiangel said...

I also know how you feel.

5 pounds is nothing. I mean, I know it doesn't feel like nothing, but I guarantee you people will not be noticing anything LIKE as much as you think they will. I guarantee it. Wear something pretty, beg, borrow, buy or steal something that makes you feel fabulous - I read a recent survey that said men estimated women who smiled as weighing half a stone less. Bonus! Confidence tricks, they really work.

And hell, I fluctuate up to 4lbs when I'm on my period. Even I can't tell the difference.

And lastly, the chin thing? I have the same problem - my jaw vanishes into my neck, even when I'm emaciated. It will bug you until you stop letting it. Honest. You get to choose when you get to tell that nasty voice to shut up.

TA x

m said...

It will work out...up and problem. Just start taking some steps so that you feel better.

Shivers said...

I know the numbers are small, and that at least I'm still fitting in to my clothes, albeit it's a snug fit! I know that nobody has noticed it, and certainly no one has commented on it. I Know that this is not permanent, that as soon as my back is better I will be back out running, I will be training hard, and the weight will come off. These are all the things I know. But it doesn't silence the fears.

TA - "You get to choose when you get to tell that nasty voice to shut up." - So true. I really need to be patient right now. Accept that I am limited in my exercise options until my back heals. Accept that I am not at my peak physical condition at the moment BUT at the same time ignoring those nasty voices because judgement is not what I need right now, definitely not from me, my own worst critic.

Shivers said...

I'm not normally one to take stock in Horoscopes but I just checked mine for today and it read:

"You'll realise that something you've been worrying about just isn't worth the stress"

I kid you not. The universe is speaking to me. I had to laugh. And share it with you of course. :o)

Charlotte said...

"I've only gained 5 lbs and yet it's taken over my life." I could write that sentence myself! But TA is so right. It's nothing. And it really is all about how you carry yourself. Please don't let this ruin a great trip!! You're going to be great:)

Missicat said...

I so know how you feel. I have gained back some weight that I had lost, and when I look at pics that is ALL I see!
But it's funny, hardly anyone else does..we are our own harshest critics.
Have fun!