I can feel that craving sensation... the one that makes me want food but that isn't ever satisfied... I try a variety of tastes - sweet, salty, etc., but it's still not hitting the spot. I even try being really naughty and indulging in increasing levels of "banned" foods until I'm eating large pieces of chocolate, but still the craving remains... Thankfully my common sense prevails and I'm prevented from outright bingeing, but I definitely feel like I've eaten too much, and the guilt is starting to set in, causing conflict between the two opposing sides of my mind.
I wish I could be normal. I wish food was normal for me. I'd love to be one of those people who say "Dessert? No thanks, I'm full" or "Biscuit? Just the one, thanks." I think the last time I genuinely ate without worrying about the consequences was about 10 years ago, when I was 15/16. The last time I was happy with my body, genuinely happy, was over 2 years ago, almost 3 actually, when I was competing at -52kg, and was keeping my body at a lean 54kg most of the time.
I had always been around 55kg, but I had never been so lean before. I loved the hint of a 4-pack on my stomach, the gentle curve of a bicep forming on my arms, and most of all - my thighs were in proportion! woohoo! I was a UK size 8, and totally proud of it. Suddenly clothes fit me perfectly! After years of trying on jeans and feeling disheartened when they would barely pull over my thighs, only to hang loose around my narrow waist - jeans now fit me. It was a momentous occasion. I was officially slim.
I competed at that weight for over 2 years, sticking to 54kg or thereabouts, then dropping the last 2 kg in the weeks before the competition. I wasn't much of a runner back then, in fact before last month just mentioning "jogging" would cause me to break out in a sweat. So I preferred to dehydrate and starve the weight out in the last few days. This involved long periods of fasting, whilst still training hard for the tournament, and finally cutting out all fluids for a certain amount of time preceding the weigh-in. And sometimes I got that wrong. It was a semi-public event, with at least your team-mates, if not other teams as well, watching as you stripped down to your underwear and sports bra and stepped onto a digital scales. The sheer humiliation of being over-weight, (even if only by 100g -there was NO allowances), was enough incentive to not have that gulp of water even when your mouth was parched with thirst.
So sometimes I'd stop taking in food/fluids a little earlier... without telling my Coach...until I went a little too far, not eating for nearly 5 days... and not drinking any fluids for nearly 3... I'm not even going to get into how stupid that was. I weighed in almost a full kilo under for that event. Almost of full kilo of water missing from my body that I sorely needed. That was the first time I'd ever taken my top off in front of a room of guys and heard "eewww........" It wasn't pretty. I actually did ok in the competition though... if you don't count getting a concussion in the semi-final after almost falling onto an opponent's right hook. My body, and brain, was exhausted. That was the last time I competed at that weight.