A bit of perspective...

I've been avoiding blogging for the last few weeks, at first it was because I was in Dubai visiting my sister, but then I returned home and was met with the news that Leo, the man I was seeing back at Christmas, had died in a car accident near our home town.

I'd known him for years but we only got to know each other properly back at Christmas. We only went out for about a month but we spent most of that in each other's pockets! He even came to my friend's wedding with me at the end of December. It didn't work out though, for a number of reasons, and I was just glad that things weren't awkward between us and our mutual friends.

Even though we weren't dating long, you can imagine that this was a major shock for me. I'm still trying to get my head around it to be honest.

At first I was in shock, I didn't accept the truth of it or even cry for over 24 hours after I'd heard the news. Then the floodgates opened and I had 3 days of puffy eyes and almost constant sobbing. I've honestly never cried so much at a funeral before.

It's been about 10 days since the accident, just 7 days since his funeral, and it still feels surreal. Like an elaborate practical joke. It's as if everything has changed, yet sitting here at work it's as if nothing has changed.

It's funny the effect that sudden and tragic deaths can have on the living. I've been cleaning my apartment in almost an obsessive manner, de-cluttering and re-organising incessantly. How silly to think that if I died in the morning I'd regret leaving behind a messy home, but I suppose it's just a feeling of needing to have my stuff in order. I've also been making contact with my friends and family, making sure that they know just how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate their love and support.

It really puts things into perspective. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

My Messy Middle

I just read Charlotte's post today about Survival of the Weakest. As usual it was a great post, but today this was actually beautifully timed for me. I have to quote this:"I'd much rather hear about those who struggle and fight and earn every inch of what they've got."

Nothing ever comes easy to me (except the speed-reading, coincidence?), so I have no interest in reading about people with all this natural talent. Show me the ugly duckling and the process she endured to become that swan. I read Kelly Holmes' (double Olympic gold-medallist athlete) autobiography and was totally disappointed - she ran, she ran fast, she trained hard, she won. *sigh* What on earth can I learn from that?

Every physical activity I do is a struggle for me. I can disguise that with strength and enthusiasm, but I lack the ease and grace of a "natural" athlete. It doesn't help that my little 18yr old sister also does the same sport as me, and I guess starting at 9yrs instead of 16yrs as I did, gives you a major advantage.

I'm struggling so much with my body shape and image at the moment. I broke down and cried, no actually I sobbed, on the phone to my Mum last night, trying to make sense of the disproportionate amount of suffering a few extra pounds can cause. It doesn't seem fair. I have friends in TKD that see that I have put on a few pounds but they also see weight-gain/loss as I used to see it: a purely physical process, you eat less and train more and the numbers go down. I have friends at work that see me as already being quite slim and try to reassure me that I don't need to lose weight, or that it's natural to gain some in your mid-20s.

Neither of these approaches are helping me. I need to hear about the messy middle. I need someone who understands that the reason I gained this weight, and the reason I am struggling to lose it is that it is not purely a physical process. There is some major emotional crap going on with me at the moment that I am clearly not dealing with too well. I need someone that understands that I need help. Not sympathy or reassurance. Just help.

Nobody's Perfect!

Ok, so I was far from perfect yesterday, but I mean, seriously who was I kidding?? Trying to be perfect can only last so long, and I always find that the more focus and attention that I give to a new healthy eating plan, then the less likely it is to succeed. The idea behind trying to be perfect for a week was to instill myself with the foundation of some good habits. And I think I managed that by making a few things feel normal again. Although all it takes is for me to forget my water bottle and suddenly my daily water intake drops to practically zero!

I baked Mocha Muffins last night. They were ok, then I made a Coffee Buttercream Icing, and they became satisfactory.

I'm nowhere near as proud of them as I am of the Chocolate Layer Cake I had made the night before. (You can see now where the temptation crept into my diet recently!!)

Despite all this decadent chocolate baking, I'm still eating high-nutrition food, and trying to take more inspiration from Sagan on her recent experiment. Last night I was in a rush to get some food together (all that baking does take time I guess!), and I just threw half an avocado onto some cooked quinoa and sprinkled soy sauce on top! Super quick snack, but absolutely delicious!