A long lost friend...

I just found my old blogs, almost by accident, and it was like bumping into an old friend! (One I actually want to talk to - rather than all the old classmates I'm 'friends' with on facebook!) I don't know if anyone will even see this... or if I'm actually getting back into the blogging scene, but I'm definitely curious about what everyone has been up to in my absence...

So much has changed in the last few years (years?!?) - I finished my Masters (with a First Class Honours - woohoo!).. I live in London now... I have a very grown up job, where I work very long hours but I am valued, respected and paid accordingly, and I have people reporting to me!! I'm single... but comfortably so...enjoying my own company rather than allowing my life to revolve around someone else. I've made a life for myself here, I feel like I'm finally living, rather than the rehearsal I was going through back in Ireland.

A big part of this life is my sporting activities, and my quest for balance through them - Touch Rugby (I tried contact for a year but my body is too old & broken for that now), Taekwon-Do (after a 2 year hiatus!), Running (I'm preparing for a Half-Marathon!), and Meditative Yoga.... A combination of fun/serious, individual/team, relaxed/competitive activities with mixture of men & women as friends/colleagues/teammates... All in all, a semblance of symmetry perhaps... :-)

x

Confrontation... My Achilles' Heel

I hate hate hate confrontation! Unless it's an instant reaction to a situation, I'm useless. I just feel sick at the thought of actively engaging someone in conflict. You'd think that after so many years of martial arts and competitive sparring that I would have faced and conquered this fear. After today's face-off with my ex-roommate I can say... Evidently Not...

I feel physically sick, just weak and light-headed after that nasty exchange.

I would never have seen empathy or the desire to please as being a weakness before, but it seriously hinders success in arguments. I was almost fighting myself as I tried to shrug off his defences and resist taking them on as the truth. I had to keep struggling to remind myself that I was actually in the right, and that he was the one that was being unreasonable.

The background to this incident is a long boring story that I wouldn't inflict on yet another sympathetic ear, but this has become a common theme for me. I think back over the years, to the people who confronted me for my "wrongdoings" and I kick myself for not having the courage to fight my own battles.

I can defend others at a moment's notice, but I seem to think have such little self-regard that I find it impossible to defend myself.

Source of Comfort

My increasingly annoying roommate moved out 2 weeks ago, and I had the apartment to myself at last... Then my brother came to stay with me and ended up staying for a week, so when he left yesterday I was relieved at first, now I could get back to my peaceful solitude. But I miss him. He's a funny guy, in more ways than I could hope to explain and he's become a great brother over the years (we'll remain blissfully ignorant of the childhood years!). Over the last week he was a great friend too.

Let me put this in one simple sentence: I lost a pound in the last week.

I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Not in a conscious sense.. Of course it helped that he was trying varying degrees of Carb-elimination, and was not encouraging any junk food consumption, as most of my friends are likely to do. But I didn't notice their absence.

I didn't crave comfort food.

I felt comforted.

I am only noticing this now since he has left. As I sit down at my desk with a sugar-laden Cappuccino, and feel the familiar cravings setting in, I notice their return, and in doing so I notice their absence.

A bit of perspective...

I've been avoiding blogging for the last few weeks, at first it was because I was in Dubai visiting my sister, but then I returned home and was met with the news that Leo, the man I was seeing back at Christmas, had died in a car accident near our home town.

I'd known him for years but we only got to know each other properly back at Christmas. We only went out for about a month but we spent most of that in each other's pockets! He even came to my friend's wedding with me at the end of December. It didn't work out though, for a number of reasons, and I was just glad that things weren't awkward between us and our mutual friends.

Even though we weren't dating long, you can imagine that this was a major shock for me. I'm still trying to get my head around it to be honest.

At first I was in shock, I didn't accept the truth of it or even cry for over 24 hours after I'd heard the news. Then the floodgates opened and I had 3 days of puffy eyes and almost constant sobbing. I've honestly never cried so much at a funeral before.

It's been about 10 days since the accident, just 7 days since his funeral, and it still feels surreal. Like an elaborate practical joke. It's as if everything has changed, yet sitting here at work it's as if nothing has changed.

It's funny the effect that sudden and tragic deaths can have on the living. I've been cleaning my apartment in almost an obsessive manner, de-cluttering and re-organising incessantly. How silly to think that if I died in the morning I'd regret leaving behind a messy home, but I suppose it's just a feeling of needing to have my stuff in order. I've also been making contact with my friends and family, making sure that they know just how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate their love and support.

It really puts things into perspective. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

My Messy Middle

I just read Charlotte's post today about Survival of the Weakest. As usual it was a great post, but today this was actually beautifully timed for me. I have to quote this:"I'd much rather hear about those who struggle and fight and earn every inch of what they've got."

Nothing ever comes easy to me (except the speed-reading, coincidence?), so I have no interest in reading about people with all this natural talent. Show me the ugly duckling and the process she endured to become that swan. I read Kelly Holmes' (double Olympic gold-medallist athlete) autobiography and was totally disappointed - she ran, she ran fast, she trained hard, she won. *sigh* What on earth can I learn from that?

Every physical activity I do is a struggle for me. I can disguise that with strength and enthusiasm, but I lack the ease and grace of a "natural" athlete. It doesn't help that my little 18yr old sister also does the same sport as me, and I guess starting at 9yrs instead of 16yrs as I did, gives you a major advantage.

I'm struggling so much with my body shape and image at the moment. I broke down and cried, no actually I sobbed, on the phone to my Mum last night, trying to make sense of the disproportionate amount of suffering a few extra pounds can cause. It doesn't seem fair. I have friends in TKD that see that I have put on a few pounds but they also see weight-gain/loss as I used to see it: a purely physical process, you eat less and train more and the numbers go down. I have friends at work that see me as already being quite slim and try to reassure me that I don't need to lose weight, or that it's natural to gain some in your mid-20s.

Neither of these approaches are helping me. I need to hear about the messy middle. I need someone who understands that the reason I gained this weight, and the reason I am struggling to lose it is that it is not purely a physical process. There is some major emotional crap going on with me at the moment that I am clearly not dealing with too well. I need someone that understands that I need help. Not sympathy or reassurance. Just help.

Nobody's Perfect!

Ok, so I was far from perfect yesterday, but I mean, seriously who was I kidding?? Trying to be perfect can only last so long, and I always find that the more focus and attention that I give to a new healthy eating plan, then the less likely it is to succeed. The idea behind trying to be perfect for a week was to instill myself with the foundation of some good habits. And I think I managed that by making a few things feel normal again. Although all it takes is for me to forget my water bottle and suddenly my daily water intake drops to practically zero!

I baked Mocha Muffins last night. They were ok, then I made a Coffee Buttercream Icing, and they became satisfactory.

I'm nowhere near as proud of them as I am of the Chocolate Layer Cake I had made the night before. (You can see now where the temptation crept into my diet recently!!)

Despite all this decadent chocolate baking, I'm still eating high-nutrition food, and trying to take more inspiration from Sagan on her recent experiment. Last night I was in a rush to get some food together (all that baking does take time I guess!), and I just threw half an avocado onto some cooked quinoa and sprinkled soy sauce on top! Super quick snack, but absolutely delicious!

TTBP: Day 8.. of a Week-long Trial!

I was just commenting on Sagan's blog when I realised I am on Day 8 of Trying To Be Perfect, ie. the week is over... Hmm.. It can't have been too hard if I didn't notice when it finished...Well, I suppose that may be due to the fact that I kind of blew that Perfection attempt when I went out clubbing over the weekend!! But I've really enjoyed this experiment, and even just the idea of adhering to the standards of a person that I would aspire to be.

So I'm not giving up today, I'm still going to try and stick to the rules I set down for myself last week, I'm actually going to try and keep this going for the month. I've incorporated some nice little habits for myself over the last few days, although I do need to find a way to get my sugar cravings under control. Might be turning to Sagan's experiment next for some help with that!

TTBP: Day 7 - Evaluating Progress

So I was doing great this weekend, right up until I wrote that last post I was eating well and hadn't succumbed to the temptation of the sugar cravings. I find Saturdays are the hardest day to stick with my good intentions, there's something about that 6th day of the week that feels like I've done enough hard work at being good and now I deserve a treat! So I think I'll make sure to have my cheat meal on Saturdays in future. Anyway, I was doing well and even though I decided to go up to Galway to visit my brother for a night out, I didn't have any junk food or even any excess food at all really! We did manage to eat a whole pack of Ryvitas between the two of us though! Definitely hit my dietary fibre requirements for the weekend!!

So is it a failure that I drank 1 beer, 2 vodkas & a baby guinness (it's a shot of tia maria and topped with bailey's to look like a little pint of guinness, very yummy...)??!!

I think that the fact I didn't give in to hangover cravings, nor did I feel that desperate "oh i've failed now i may as well just go nuts..." feeling is a good thing. It's almost a success. I really did have a great night with my brother, I had lots of fun on the dance floor and stayed up till the early hours of the morning talking about what we want to do with our lives! And overall, despite the alcohol buzzing through my system, I stayed calm. It was really nice to feel like that! I just drank my berocca, took a solpadeine, and carried on with my nutritional good intentions!

I still have today to get through in this 7 Days of Trying To Be Perfect, so I'll give a full recap tomorrow morning. I'm really glad I tried to do this though, success or not, I feel better for it.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, I'm trying to wait until Wednesday, my newly appointed weigh-in day, but my tummy feels super flat and I'm still feeling focused on my healthy eating. Still feeling calm and optimistic. Long may it last...

TTBP: Day 5...

I went to a Yoga class this morning, a nice reason to get up early on a Saturday! It had been nearly 2 years since I'd done such a class but the Pilates I've been doing obviously complements it nicely because I was well able to keep up with the more experienced members of the class (not that I was comparing myself or anything... *ahem*). I left with that lovely centered feeling of being present in my body, that rare sensation of physical awareness from head to toe, similar to that experienced after a thorough massage. Mmm... lovely indeed... :o)

This week of Perfection is still going really well for me, although I admit I got hit with a couple of sugar pangs last night, and then I felt immensely hungry after that yoga class this morning and took ages to satisfy my ravenous appetite, but I'm calm again now. My de-cluttering is going well, along with my training and nutrition. We did lots of punching and kicking drills in TKD last night, perfect for letting go of unwanted aggression and frustration! My weight was down again today ( I know I shouldn't be weighing myself daily, it's just nice to see the numbers going down for once!!)

Ok, off to cook myself a super-healthy dinner and then I'll think about the potential activities for this evening....

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Trying to Be Perfect: Day 4

Well it's Day 4 of attempting to achieve Perfection and it's actually going really well! My water intake has majorly increased, not quite hitting a steady 2 litres a day but not far off it especially when you count the herbal teas I drink. My low-carb and no-sugar plan is going nicely, I turned down a gourmet chocolate dessert when I visited my Mum, and even went to the cinema the other night and refrained from eating a gigantic tub of popcorn! That's normally the sole reason I'd choose to see a movie on the big-screen!! (Oh and it was the Shopaholic movie I went to see in case you're interested, such a chick flick but some good giggles in it too!)

I even made time last night to clear out my bedroom, filling 2 garbage bags with junk and old clothes that I really shouldn't wear again! I love de-cluttering, it's such a cleansing feeling.

AND I'm down a couple of pounds.. well 4 to be precise.. woo hoo... :o) This isn't the result of 4 days work though, that's more likely to have been a lb a week for the last month of high-protein and low-carb nutrition. I'm only about 4 more from my genuinely happy weight and I haven't even really felt like I've been putting much effort in so far.

This is the first time I've tried to lose weight by going low-carb and high-protein, and it's working really well for me. I'm never too hungry, I'm eating tons of food that I love, and cooking is really easy when it's just meat & veg! It's required a bit of forethought in terms of my work day but it's not much hassle especially in terms of the benefits, eg. the handful of frozen berries I bring to work every morning as a natural sweet addition to my oatmeal, yum!!

The weekends are always a killer as far as my eating & exercise regimes go, but I'm hoping that 2 hours of yoga tomorrow morning will help to keep me focused on my pursuit for perfection...

"The Limits Are In Your Mind"

I attended a motivational talk today at work given by Hannah Shields, the first Northern Irish woman to summit Mt. Everest. She was an impressive woman, with a list of unbelievable achievements on her CV in addition to this historic feat, and an excellent public speaker too! She started with the above-quoted statement: The Limits Are In Your Mind.

This is so true. I feel it on a daily basis, how I constrict and restrict myself based on my own perception of how things should be. Instead of simply having the confidence to just be.

Here is a very simple example for you: It's 5pm, I'm at work, and I'm feeling hunger pangs. I have to go teach 2 classes at 5.30, then train in my own class until 9.30, so food would be very welcome right now. I have a tupperware container of protein-packed chilli in the fridge here, but I'm afraid to go get it. Afraid of my boss seeing me take an unauthorised break. Afraid of people seeing me eat and thinking that I'm indulging in a greedy splurge. Afraid of simply drawing unnecessary attention to myself.

This is ridiculous.

Time is ticking away and I am letting fear of other people's perceptions cause me additional hassle on top of an already busy evening.

No more limits. I need to eat.

One Week of Perfection

Yet another one of Charlotte's posts has got me thinking. This experiment concerns people's perceptions of Perfection, and committing to attaining such a high standard for a minimum time, ideally a month but more realistically the goal is a week. One week, 7 days, of adhering to strict rule which ideally would already be part of everyday life, but hopefully would form a habit after the set time frame.

The more that I thought about my rules for being perfect, the more I realised how simple my requirements were. Tasks like using mouthwash, tidying away my TKD gear, drinking 2 litres of water, and going to bed early enough to get 8 hours sleep didn't seem so intimidating when I'd written them down. In fact, they're all very achievable. If only I would direct my attention to them on a regular basis!

Plans for Perfection

* Drink 2 litres of water every day

* Get 8 hours of sleep every night

* Eat a nutritious, high-protein, low-carb lunch

* Cook a nutritious, high-protein, carb-free dinner (my morning porridge is exempt!)

* Bring healthy snacks to work to stave off afternoon cravings

* Attend TKD training Mon-Fri

* Go running at least once at the weekend

* Stretch/Do physio exercises Every Day (!!)

* Eat NO junk food/refined sugars etc. (it's only a week right.... :(

I also have some non-nutritional/fitness plans:

* No unnecessary spending whatsoever (strict budget due to saving for college!)

* Thoroughly remove make up and cleanse & moisturise before bed

oh and my mum would love this one...

* Tidy my room and keep it tidy!

Yesterday was a major fail of a day. I made a Banoffee Pie yesterday for a friend's birthday, so not only did I have a slice of the calorific diet-busting dessert, I also didn't have time to eat my healthy nutritious lunch and ended up eating breakfast cereal instead! The sugar crash I experienced later in the evening meant I was too drained to cook my protein-rich dinner, instead eating an apple and a bowl of steamed garden peas.. (yes, I know, an odd choice!) So when I came home from training I was so hungry, and yet even weaker, so I ate a bowl of porridge but the demons in me added milk & sugar instead of the normal water & berries! Overall still a nutritional day but far far far from perfect.

So today is a new day. I have already drank one cup of peppermint tea and my 600ml water bottle is full and ready to be emptied at least once!

Dough! :o)

I forgot to take photos of the pancakes I made last night! Silly me! In my defence I was cooking myself a healthy protein-rich dinner, baking coconut macaroons AND flipping pancakes, all at once! How's that for multi-tasking?!

I am seriously loving this baking buzz, I'm finding it really cathartic. I might just need to be careful with how much of the results I consume.... they do taste good though... dang I'm talented! Haha :o)

I'm still here....

Apologies for my recent absence, I'm still around though, I promise! :o)

I've been training regularly enough, and eating fairly healthily, thanks to the tips from ABS. But I'm trying not to take it too seriously, because I have re-discovered my love of baking! In the last few weeks I've made heart-shaped Cupcakes (iced with buttercream & sugar paste icing!), a 2 tiered Carrot Cake, and loaf of Banana Bread! I know these aren't exactly appropriate topics for a Fitness Blog, but I never said I would stick to entirely healthy topics... :o)

Today is Pancake Tuesday, I made my batter last night, can't wait to get home and cook up a stack of pretty crepes! I might even post a photo tomorrow if there's no objections! :o)

Belated Happy Valentine's Day....

I'm not an expert but I knows what I likes....

And protein shakes & bars do not make my list of Likes! Dry, powdery, familiarly gag-inducing chocolate-esque flavours... Yuck!

Is it wrong that I am thinking longingly of my tinned salmon snack stored in my work refrigerator, while I am choking down a Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Bar... It can't be the chocolate, or the peanut butter, because those are some of my favourite foods. By process of elimination I am clearly not a fan of fake protein.

Admittedly I have not tried an exhaustive list of products. Merely 3 brands in total I think. It just worried me that they all tasted so similarly disgusting. I tried the shake with water. I tried stirring some powder into my porridge, and I've tried a couple of different bars. All scarily similar in flavour. All gross.

Odd as it may be, I'd rather reach for a tin of John West than suffer through another Maxi-Proto-Concoction...

Thank Crunches It's Friday!

I hurt all over! My body aches in places I didn't even know I had! After a week of tough TKD classes and a competitive Pilates Class, I'm stiff and sore, and not keen on moving! It's good pain though, so I'm not complaining. Much. :o) I'm just trying to hydrate lots and ease my poor muscles out of fatigue. I'm also looking into a Yoga Class for tomorrow afternoon, just the thought of it is helping me to relax! I just have one more training session to get through this evening, and then I know I can rest well, having earned the right to 8 (maybe even 9!) hours sleep... Mmmm.... Can't wait!

Two For the Price of one!

It's rare that I post more than once in a day, in fact I think this could be a first!

Well I've just signed up with ABS, the "product" behind the new Social Network I joined recently. I admit I am sceptical. I'm not normally a fan of prescribed Plans, they reek too much of fads or diets to be honest but this is something that's been put together by a friend of mine in Taekwon-Do, and a lot of it fits in with what I already know about my own sense of nutrition and training. And from flicking through the ebooks, it looks like a lot of hard work, which hopefully is a sign that it's not a faddy gimmick. My Coach has already signed up to it thus giving it a silent yet powerful thumbs up. So I'm going to give it a go.

I downloaded the eBooks today and from what I can make of it so far, it all ties in with the general Fitosphere principles - eat fewer starchy carbs, eat more fresh produce, drink lots of water, do strength training regularly (3-5 sessions per week), interval cardio sessions instead of endurance. All makes good sense.

I'm not considering myself to be officially started, seeing as I haven't read the eBooks, nor have I done necessary grocery shopping, but I have started implementing a few ideas already. Like having Baked Chicken Fillet & Roasted Root Vegetables for lunch, and sprinkling ground flaxseeds in my yoghurt. There's a lot of material provided though, so I just need to find a way to print a couple of 100 pages at work, then I'll get back to you with a proper review!

Art Imitating Life

Today's Dilbert was quite poignant:

Though I didn't go so far as to lose my head, yesterday was very tough and I definitely felt frustration that would have induced self-harming. In my case that means excessive sugar/calories and thankfully I kept my 'explosion' to a minimal dose of one Cappuccino with a sachet of white sugar, which just left me a little bit wired for the afternoon.

It saddens me that my response to feeling trapped in a frustrating situation is to lash out at myself. I had no real need for caffeine or sugar, I was simply acting out and the only recipient of that anger was myself. This is such a familiar theme, whether it's choosing to skip training or eat excessively calorific foods, sometimes I can feel the self-harming rage underlying it.

In line with Charlotte's February Experiment I tried to meditate last night, to help settle all these feelings of tension and frustration. To try and just be still. It's far more difficult than I'd remembered from my last attempts. Either that or I still had residual caffeine traces sending my imagination into overdrive! I just couldn't relax, my mind was racing, from recounting my day to planning holidays, from thoughts of ex-boyfriends to potential future ex-boyfriends! More than anything I just felt frustrated with myself.

More meditation is definitely needed. I think it can only benefit me, if even just to allow myself some Me Time.

Waiting to Explode!

AAAAarrrrghhhh!!!!

I'm feeling a hell of a lot of pent-up frustration at the moment. So much so that I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust! I'm just too impatient for my own good! I've made these choices about leaving my job and going back to school, and about eating healthily and training hard. It all sounds good. It's all helping to make me feel good. So why do I feel so frustrated??!?!

This is typical me: I make decisions, then I expect to see and feel the results straight away.

This is exactly why I think I need to join in with Charlotte's experiment this month. I need to learn how to just 'Be'.

I can't live my life wishing I could fast forward it. Regardless of how trapped I feel in my current state of existence. I have to experience every minute/hour/day, if even for the morbid reason that hypothetically it could be my last! (I said hypothetically, I'm not terminally ill or anything!)

Yes I think meditation, and yoga, could be the answer here...